The Christian religion elevated marriage to a high level, possibly the highest level it had been on since the Garden of Eden. Christian husbands and wives are “heirs together of the grace of life.” I Peter 3:7. We believe and teach that marriage is a sacred covenant before God. The Lord joins a godly husband and wife together. “Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.” Matthew 19:6. Often God later adds children to the Christian family. He does so in His own wisdom and providence. No one just “has” children. They are given as a heritage from God, as His reward.
The family belongs to God. He created it. He determined how it should be structured. He designed a way for it to operate. If we follow His plan, our families will be blessed. If we disregard His will for our families, we will reap heartache, despair and doom. Psalms 127:3 tells us that children are not a burden; they are a reward.
In America, and much of the world, the family is in crisis. One-third of American children are living in single parent homes. No fault divorce makes it easy to break up a family, even among those who swore before God to stay together until death.
Christianity seems to make very little difference in the modern marriages. The divorce rate among the population at large is statistically identical to the divorce rate among so-called conservative, evangelical Christians.
Families do not pray together, do not play together, do not stay together. There is no cohesiveness in husband and wife, and thus no cohesiveness in the entire family. Television and videogames become the great pacifiers of the children. The average American child spends more than 4½ hours each day watching television. Only 23% of parents think this is too much. Yet how many hours in the week are spent in family activities?
Godly children are oftentimes indistinguishable from the world. They share the same tastes in music, clothing, heroes and attitudes with the ungodly. So many grow up thinking that true religion is rules and regulations designed to keep them from having fun, or being happy.
Some reject holiness when they grow up because they feel that it is some rigid legalism. Some parents encourage this belief – either by agreeing with their children, or by being legalistic. Few parents take the time to explain why God wants holiness. They don’t explain why modesty is a virtue, why excessive jewelry and ornamentation detracts from godliness, why holiness is a protection against spiritual wickedness.
God’s plan for parenting works. Parents are expected to spend time interacting with their children. From this, the children will form their view of life. By the way, parents, is your life-view good and right? Is your whole way of life worth passing on to the next generation?
I Corinthians 7:14 establishes that the children of Holy Ghost-filled parents are “holy” children. That is, they are ceremonially set-apart for God. These children do not belong to their parents; they do not belong to the government; they do not belong to society. It does not take a village to raise a child. Parents sometimes say “my children.” If they say it often enough, they might begin to think those children belong to them, that the parents own them. Parents do not own their children; they are a loan from God. You are God’s trustees, in temporary possession of His property. You must manage that property well for God.
But these children “belong” to the Lord. They are holy children. They are to be kept apart from the evil contamination of this world. Parents have duties and responsibilities with respect to these children, but never forget that you do not own them. The Bible gives clear instructions regarding the duty of parents.
The Essential Functions of Parenting
The clear statement of Ephesians 6:4 is that parents are to raise (bring up) their children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. The phrase, “bring them up,” is from a Greek word. “ektrepho.” It means to cherish and train them. Children are not just to grow up; they are to be trained up. The Greek word for “nurture” is “paideia,” and means disciplinary correction and instruction. Children are to be raised, first and foremost, as disciples of Jesus Christ. The Greek word for “admonition” is “nouthesia,” which means calling attention to. Parents are to cherish and train children, through disciplinary correction and instruction, calling their attention to the Lord.
The essential function of parents is to teach, discipline, and love the children God has given them. Failure in any one of these three points is detrimental to the children, and may destroy them. It takes all three of these points to have a godly home. A parent who overemphasizes one point, to the exclusion of another, is a failure. He has failed in his role, and has failed his child.
For example, a parent who feels she loves her child too much to discipline that child, is a failure. That child will grow up, but not be raised up. The child will be turned out of the home limited. He will not be all he could have been, because his parents failed to do what God asked them to do.
Let’s consider each of these three points in some detail.
Teach
First, parents are to teach children. Deuteronomy 6:7 says that parents are to teach some things diligently to their children. Not everything can or should be learned at school or at church. The most important lessons are to be taught at home. How to treat others right, how to not be selfish, how to be charming, and other vital lessons are taught at home by parents.
Proverbs 22:6 says to train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it. The sovereignty of God is such that every child who is born has a destiny. God separated Paul from his mother’s womb. Galatians 1:15. Did his mother and father have any idea of his destiny? What did they do to help this child fulfill the plan God had for him?
Proverbs 22:6 does not mean you are to train up a child in a way that would be right for any child. There is a specific “way he should go.” Parents are to help their children find God’s will for their lives, and prepare to do what God will call them to do. There is a specific and individual plan for each child in your home. Parents, what are you doing to help your child to find that plan and to be prepared to accomplish that plan?
As a toddler, does your child know how to pray? Is that child already hooked on TV? Is he learning manners from PBS? Is she learning how to share from you, or from Big Bird? Parents are the most important role models and teachers in any child’s life. Mister Rogers is no substitute for Dad. Mom cannot delegate her teaching responsibility to a purple dinosaur on the television.
By the time he or she reaches pre-kindergarten, or elementary school, that child’s personality is already formed. But important lessons have to be constantly reinforced. His life-long view of marriage has been formed by watching mom and dad. Don’t fight in front of the children. If you are not spending time with them, they will not know how to spend time with their families. Family time is so very important. Playing age-appropriate games is one of the best activities for children.
If a child does not see her parents making sacrifices for the good of others in the family, or for the church, she will not know that she will need to make sacrifices for others in her life. If a child does not see his parents working hard, then he will not learn to work hard in his life. If a child catches the parents in dishonesty, what lesson has been taught?
Parents teach by example. If they complain about things, their children will complain. Children take on the attitudes of their parents. If the parents eat sour grapes, the children’s teeth will be set on edge. Ezekiel 18:2. It is obvious in our church’s Christian school which parents feel an education is important. We can tell, from the attitude of the children, what the parents feel about the church, the pastor, the school staff, etc. Parents are the most important teachers of children. What are you teaching?
Most parental teaching is by example. In I Corinthians 11:1, the Apostle Paul said in essence to “imitate me as I imitate Christ.” What kind of moral example are you setting for your children? Would it be a good thing for your children to pattern after your life?
By the time a child reaches teenage years, most of the direct teaching has been done. It is hard to change established thinking patterns now. But if you have done your job right as a parent, then a respect and even a friendship will develop with your teenaged children. (We are talking about teaching here, and not discipline and love. Teenagers still need discipline, and find unique ways to ask for expressions of your love. You teach teenaged children how to interact with adult society.
Discipline
God will hold parents accountable if they do not discipline their children. God judged Eli because “his sons made themselves vile, and he restrained them not.” I Samuel 3:13. Samuel failed as a parent, because “his sons walked not in his ways.” I Samuel 8:3. His children, like Eli’s, grew up without discipline.
It is a mistake to refuse to discipline your children. Some parents will not tell their children “no,” and will not deny them their every whim. Instead of fathers and mothers raising obedient children, some children tell their parents what they are going to do. Undisciplined children are a scourge on any land.
One reason that Adonijah was a failure as a man is because David was a failure as a father. King David was a great man, and a great king, but he was not a good father. According to I Kings 1:6, David did not displease Adonijah at any time. You know the story: Adonijah later rebelled against the king, and plunged the nation into turmoil.
Do not cater to every whim your child has. Do not buy your child every toy it ever wants. Children need to be denied some things. They need to find out that they cannot have everything they want. It is an important life lesson. When they grow up, they will not be able to have everything they want. As a child, they need to know how to deal with the fact that we can’t all have everything we want.
You are to back up teaching with discipline. Children need to know there is someone in the home with more authority, and who is wiser and stronger than they are. Children need to know that you are willing to risk their displeasure in order to protect and teach them. A home that has no rules, no expectations of politeness and conformity, no limits, is a very dangerous place to grow up.
There are many statements in the book of Proverbs about discipline. Many involve the use of a paddle (called a rod.) “He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.” Proverbs 13:24. To many in the world, the Bible is wrong. They think you cannot love a child if you spank it. I believe the Bible is right, and the world is wrong.
But the principle of these proverbs is greater than just spanking. It is about a disciplined life. It is about rules and limits. Children must be given rules to live by, and consequences for violating them. Otherwise, you are not really loving your children.
If you allow your children to sleep in, and are consistently late getting them to school, do you really think they will grow up believing they have to get out of bed to go to work? Will employers not impose consequences if your children come to work 20 minutes, or 90 minutes late on a consistent basis? Life is full of rules. You cannot steal, you cannot beat people up, etc. Children need to learn early that there are rules, and that rules must be obeyed.
Do not expect your child to grow up to be a disciple of Jesus Christ without receiving discipline in the home. When a child wants something, they want it now! Discipline teaches them to wait, to save, to delay their gratification. Self-discipline is taught through external discipline in the home.
Love
A home is not a boarding school or a military camp. Ephesians 6:4 warns fathers not to provoke their children to wrath. A home is defined by love. It is really sad when a child has to resort to bad behavior in order to get attention from its parents. Children need lots of love and loving attention.
Family times are more important than jobs, success, money, etc. What has happened to sharing a meal around a table, with the TV turned off, and discussing the events of the day? What has happened to a family playing games, or children wrestling with Dad on the floor, or baking cookies with Mom?
Do families have family meetings to plan the next vacation? Do children feel they have input into the family? Titus 2:4 says that mothers are to love their children. Tell your children that you love them. Let them know. What kind of memories of home life are you generating in your children? Children need time, more than things. Memories are made from simple, inexpensive things like picnics, fishing, shopping together, going for rides in the country, etc. An X-box or Nintendo can never create the wholesome memories of family time together.
Psalm 128 depicts the blessed family. It can be your family. The Living Bible’s version of that Psalm says, “Blessings on all who reverence and trust the Lord – on all who obey him! Their reward shall be prosperity and happiness. Your wife shall be contented in your home. And look at all those children! There they sit around the dinner table as vigorous and healthy as young olive trees. That is God’s reward to those who reverence and trust him. May the Lord continually bless you with heaven’s blessings as well as with human joys. May you live to enjoy your grandchildren! And may God bless Israel!”
The prosperity of our families is dependent upon the blessing of God. Live a life that God can bless, and it will be well with your family. Let’s analyze Psalms 138, verse-by-verse. The first verse says to get your life right with God. In verse two, you see that you can be successful in employment and be happy. Verse three states that your immediate family will be blessed. In verse four, David says this is the greatest blessing of this life. Then, verse five: you will see the church blessed. Good families make a good church. The final verse promises you will be blessed with a long life to enjoy a good family.
A loving home is a blessed home.
Conclusion
A part of the mission of churches in the body of Christ is to promote strong Christian families. It is impossible to have a strong church composed of weak families. Marriage is part of God’s order for humanity. It may not be God’s individual will for everyone to be married, but marriage, as an institution, was created for mankind in the Garden of Eden – as a benefit and blessing.
We can have stronger, more peaceful, more blessed, more ideal marriages and families. While the Lord does not promise every one of us material wealth, or even physical health; He has given us the resources we need to have a happy home. Society around us is in turmoil. There is no peace, saith the Lord, to the wicked. Isaiah 48:22. But the homes of the faithful should be an oasis of peace and tranquility in a desert of depravity, deception, disillusionment and despair.