Christian Humor - Miscellaneous

Church-Lite
Has the heaviness of you old fashioned church got you weighted down? Try us! We are the New and Improved Lite Church of the Valley. Studies have shown we have 24% fewer commitments. We trim off guilt as we are Low-Cal... low Calvin, that is. We feature a 7.5% tithe, a 35 minute worship service with 7 minute sermons. Next Sunday's sermon is on the Feeding of 500.

The Catholic Dog
A farmer lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he loved dearly. One day the dog died and the farmer went to the parish priest, inquiring if a mass could be said for the dead pet.  Father Patrick told the farmer: "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal." The farmer said: "Thanks, I'll go right away. By the way, do you think 50,000 is enough to donate for such a service?" to which Father Patrick replied: "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?"

Where is God?

Two small boys were a constant problem for the pastor, and the parents did nothing to correct them.  So the pastor asked his assistant, if the boys were disruptive at the morning service, to take them to his office and have them wait for him.  Sure enough the boys showed up with their usual vigor.  After a short while of talking and laughing and making airplanes out of bulletins, the assistant took the boys to the pastors office.  When the pastor came after the service he took little Billy in the office with him and asked, "Billy, do you know where God is?"(wanting him to realize he was in God's house).  Billy didn't even look up and remained silent. "Billy do you know where God is?" the pastor repeated.  "Billy I'm going to ask you one more time, Do you know..."  Billy jumped up , ran out the door, grabbed his buddy and yelled "Lets get out of here!"  They ran all the way to Billy's house, into his bedroom, and Billy began to pack his clothes.  His buddy asked him, "What did the preacher say?"  Billy said, "God is missing and he thinks we know where he is!!"

Christian Bear

A man went on a nature walk. A bear began to chase him, so he climbed a tree. As he was climbing he slipped down into the bear's arms.  He prayed "Lord let this be a Christian bear."  Just then the bear dropped to his knees and said "Lord thank you for this food you have provided."

Precious Memories

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said "Today, church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach.  Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind." The pastor shouted out, "Cross." Immediately the congregation started singing in unison "The Old Rugged Cross." The Pastor hollered out "Grace." The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound." The Pastor said "Power." The congregation sang "There is Power in the Blood."

The Pastor said "S-x". The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden way from in the back of the church a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing ........."Precious Memories".

My Former Church

A man was stranded on a deserted island.  Years passed before he was finally discovered.  When the rescue party came ashore, the man expressed his gratitude and told them how he had survived alone for so many years.  The rescue party was suspicious.  One of the party stated, "No one could live on this island alone for that long a time."  "But it's true," the man said, "Come a see where I lived."

When the rescue party arrived at his residence, they saw three huts.  "Ah Hah!" They said, "Here is evidence that you are not alone."  "No," said the man, "let me explain.  This first hut is where I lived all these years, and the third hut is where I attended church."  "What then is the second hut?" they inquired. "Oh," said the man, "That's where I used to go to church."

Revised Gospel Hymns

Now available! REVISED GOSPEL HYMNS for today's generation of modern churchgoers. The old favorites can now be sung without guilt, conviction, or discomfort. Hundreds of your old favorites made comfortable. Some of the titles include:

"Amazing Grace, How Interesting the Sound"

"Lord, Keep Us Loosely Connected to Your Word"

"Praise God from whom All Affirmations Flow"

"Pillow of Ages, Fluffed for Me"

"When Peace, Like a Trickle"

"We Give Thee but Still Think We Own"

"What an Acquaintance We Have in Jesus"

"We Are Milling Around in the Light of God"

"Blest Be the Tie that Doesn't Cramp My Style"

"I Surrender Some"

"Standing on the Premises"

"Sweet Minute of Prayer"

"Blessed Insurance"

"Come We That Like the Lord"

"Onward, Social Workers"

"Avoid the Good Fight"

"The Gold-Plated Cross"

"Some for Jesus"

"I Have My Own Way"

"I Love Me"

The Lukewarm Church’s Songs

The Lukewarm Church (God's Frozen People) announces publication of "Church Songs," whose title, according to the editor, was chosen because "We didn't want to turn anybody off with threatening words that no one understands anymore like 'worship' or 'hymn.' People in today's society get kind of uncomfortable with too much talk about things like commitment and dedication. They'd much rather have a religion that they can turn on or off at will. Our book seeks to meet that need."

Sample contents:

·         A Comfy Mattress Is Our God

·         Joyful, Joyful, We Kinda Like Thee

·         Above Average is Thy Faithfulness

·         Lord, Keep Us Loosely Connected to Your Word

·         All Hail the Influence of Jesus' Name

·         My Hope is Built on Nothing Much

·         Amazing Grace, How Interesting the Sound

·         My Faith Looks Around for Thee

·         Be Thou My Hobby

·         O God, Our Enabler in Ages Past

·         Blest Be the Tie That Doesn't Cramp My Style

·         Oh, for a Couple of Tongues to Sing

·         He's Quite a Bit to Me

·         Oh, How I Like Jesus

·         I Lay My Inappropriate Behaviors on Jesus

·         Pillow of Ages, Fluffed for Me

·         I Surrender Some

·         Praise God from Whom All Affirmations Flow

·         I'm Fairly Certain That My Redeemer Lives

·         Self-Esteem to the World! The Lord is Come

·         Sit Up, Sit Up for Jesus

·         Special, Special, Special

·         Spirit of the Living God, Fall Somewhere Near Me

·         Stick Nearby, It's Getting Dark Outside

·         Take My Life and Let Me Be

·         There is Scattered Cloudiness in My Soul Today

·         There Shall be Sprinkles of Blessings

·         What an Acquaintance We Have in Jesus

·         When Peace, Like a Trickle...

·         When the Saints Go Sneaking In

·         Where He Leads Me, I Will Consider Following

·         God of Taste, and God of Stories

·         Lift Every Voice and Intellectualize

Route 40

A police officer was sitting beside the road when he saw a car going by at a slow rate of speed. All of the other cars were passing and blowing the horns. The police officer decided to pull the car over and give them a warning. When he got up to the car he followed it for a short ways and clocked it doing 40 mph. Since the speed limit was 70 he felt that they needed to speed up so he pulled them over to talk to them. After they pulled off to the side and he was walking up to the car he noticed the car had 5 nuns in it and the youngest appeared to be driving and she looked to be in her 70's.

As he came up to the car he asked if there was anything wrong.

NUN: No officer why?

OFFICER: I noticed you were going slow and I thought that something might be wrong.

NUN: Young man I know that I don't have much experence driving in the job I do but I was doing the speed limit, 40 mph.

OFFICER: Mam that was the route number not the speed limit. NUN: Oh I am very sorry I thought that those signs were the speed limit signs.

The officer looked in the car and noticed the other 4 nun's were shaking like leaves. The officer asked if the other nun's were ok. The driver said that they would be, but she had just come off of route 119 a couple of miles back.