Christian Humor - Money & Offerings

Benefits of Tithing

There were two men shipwrecked on this island. The minute they got on to the island one of them started screaming and yelling, "We're going to die!  We're going to die! There's no food! No water!  We're going to die!"  The second man was propped up against a palm tree and acting so calmly it drove the first man crazy. "Don't you understand?!? We're going to die!!"  The second man replied, "You don't understand, I make $100,000 a week….we'll get found soon"    The first man looked at him quite dumbfounded and asked, "What difference does that make?!? We're on an island with no food and no water!  We're going to DIE!!!" The second man answered, "You just don't get it, do you:   I make $100,000 a week, and I tithe ten percent of that $100,000 each week to my church----I give $10,000 each week to my church."  The First Man, still dumbfounded said, " I still don't understand!"  The Second Man said:   "Listen, I said to relax, I TITHE $10,000 a week to my church, BELIEVE ME, My pastor will find me!"

What denomination circulates in your church?
A 100 dollar bill, a 20 dollar bill, and a one dollar bill meet up at the shredder at the end of their lives. The 100 says, "I've seen the whole world during my lifetime. Why, I've been on cruises in Caribbean, safaris in Africa, and vacations in Europe." The 20 says, "Well, I've not done quite as well, but I have been to Atlantic City, Disneyland, and Starbucks." They both turn to the one dollar bill and ask, "How about you?" The one, not wanting to be outdone, says, "I've seen the whole country as well. I've been from church to church to church..."  Then the 100 asked, "What's a church?"

Poor Preacher

A little boy pulls on the preacher's hand to get his attention.  Then says, "I'm going to give you money when I grow up."

The preacher says, "Thank you very much but why do you want to give me money when you grow up?"
 

The little boy replies, "My dad says that you are the "poorest" preacher we have ever had."

Nickle Offering

One Easter, a family (Mom, Dad, boy age 9) that seldom went to church, decided to go. After church the Mom said, "I thought the choir was a little off key." Then the Dad said, "Well, the preacher's message was bland, too." Whereupon the boy said, "I thought they put on a good show for the nickle you put in the collection plate."

Offerings

Three boys are bragging about their dad. The first says: "when my dad writes something called a poem he gets like $100 for it." Says the second boy: "that's nothing! If my dad writes something called a song he get's like $200 for it." To which the third boy replies: "when my dad writes something called a sermon, after he's done reading it, it takes like eight people to collect all the money for it.

Walk, Run or Fly?

The visiting preacher was really getting the congregation moving. Near the end of his sermon he said this church has really got to walk to which someone in the back yelled, "let her walk preacher" The preacher then said if this church is going to go it's got to get up and run to which someone again yelled with gusto, "let her run preacher." Feeling the surge of the church, the preacher then said with even louder gusto, "if this church is going to go it's got to really fly" and once again with ever greater gusto, someone yelled, "let her fly preacher, let her fly." The preacher then seized the moment and stated with even greater gusto, "if this church is really going to fly it's going to need money" to which someone in the back yelled, "let her walk preacher, let her walk."

Where Your Treasure Is

A man died and went to heaven.  He was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter who led him down the golden streets.  They past mansions after beautiful mansions until they came to the end of the street where they stopped in front of a shack. The man asked St. Peter why he got a hut when there were so many mansions he could live in.  St. Peter replied, "I did the best with the money you sent us."

Good News, Bad News

A preacher announced from the pulpit," I have good news and bad news. The good news is we have enough money to retire the mortgage on the church."

A sigh of relief went through the congregation.

The preacher continued: "the bad news is: the money is still in your pocket."