Christian Humor - Sermons

Remembering The Sermon

A brand new pastor came out to his first church.  As usually seems to be the case, several of the Great Old Saints waited for their new pastor to die.   Consequently in four weeks he did eight funerals.  He did not have time to write his regular Sunday Sermons.  So he used the sermon from the Sunday before - 3 more times.  The Council went to the Bishop complaining that this new pastor had used the same sermon 4 times in a row.  The Bishop asked what the sermon was about.   The Council couldn't remember, they scratched their heads and hemmed and hawed - but they really couldn't remember.  The Bishop said, "Let him use it one more time."

Walking On the Water

A Roman Catholic Priest, an Anglican priest and a Baptist preacher were standing near a river conversing when the subject of which church was nearest to the teaching of God arose. The Roman Catholic priest said that of course there was no argument that the Roman Catholic church was. They were descended directly from the Apostles, in fact Peter was their first Pope. He said in fact so close are we that I can even walk on water like Jesus and he proceeded to walk on the water to the other side.

The Anglican Priest said the Anglican church was very similar in origin to the Catholics and he too demonstrated his ability to walk on water like Jesus Christ. The Baptist preacher said that he could not care where their origins were, he studied the word and preached it purely, and without any embellishments. Since they could walk on water he should be even better at it. He took one step forward and sunk knee deep into the river. The Roman Catholic Priest whispered to the Anglican Priest, "Do you think we should tell him where the rocks are?"

Billy Graham Crusade

Billy Graham tells of a time, during the early years of his preaching ministry, when he was due to lead a crusade meeting in a town in South Carolina, and he needed to mail a letter. He asked a little boy in the main street how he could get to the post office. After the boy had given him directions, Billy said, "If you come to the central Baptist church tonight, I'll tell you how to get to heaven." The boy replied, "No thanks, you don't even know how to get to the post office!"

Long Sermons

A Baptist preacher, while beginning his text, said this to the congregation: "I'm gonna tell you the same thing Elizabeth Taylor told all her husbands. And that is - 'I'm not gonna keep you long!'"

Is This Mike On?

Our Catholic priest likes to tell of a time when he'd said "I think there is something wrong with my mike". Well he was right, the mike was not on so the congregation had not heard him but assumed he'd said his usual "May Christ's peace be with you". The congregation gave its typical response of "And also with you."

Rule of thumb

A rule of thumb for preachers: If after ten minutes you haven't struck oil, stop boring!

Taking the Credit

The pastor was greeting folks at the door after the service. A woman said, "Pastor, that was a very good sermon." The pastor says, "Oh, I have to give the credit to the Holy Spirit." "It wasn't THAT good!" she says.

Price of a Good Sermon

One beautiful Sunday morning, a pastor announced to his congregation: "My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons...a $1000 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $500 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $100 sermon that lasts a full hour." Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver.

Clock Watching Preachers

What does it mean when the preacher takes off his watch and lays it on top of the pulpit before his sermon? Usually nothing.

JC Penny

There was a preacher that was trying out for a church. He always used notes when he preached but he wanted to really impress the congregation with his knowledge of the word, so he taped his notes to the inside of his suit jacket. He began preaching, he said, "Brothers and sisters the first man in the bibles name was, he pulled open his jacket and said, Adam.". He began to preach on Adam for awhile. He went to another point and said, "Brothers and sisters the name of the man who built the arks name was, he pulled open his jacket and said, Noah.". He preached on Noah for awhile. About this time, he had been preaching so vigorously and did not notice that the notes he had taped to his jacket had fallen to the floor. He said to the congregation, "Brothers and sisters the man who the bible says was after God's own heart was, he pulled open he jacket and said, JC Penny!".

Preacher’s Dentures

A Pulpit committee went to hear a prospective minister preach.  The best thing they liked about his sermon is that it was only 10 minutes long.  They immediately called him as their new Pastor.  His first week in the new church he preached a 30 minute sermon.  The next week his sermon was almost 2 hours.  The Deacons met with him and asked him to explain.  His response was, that the first time the committee heard him preach, he had a new set of dentures in his mouth that hurt him terribly so he could barely preach 10 minutes and had to stop talking because of the pain.    The second time he preached, he said that his dentures felt fine so he preached a normal 30 minute sermon. They said that explains those 2 sermons, but please explain to us this last sermon that was 2 hours long.  He said that's easy, I got up that particular morning and accidentally put My Wife's Dentures in my mouth, and when I started talking I couldn't shut up! 

Published Sermons

A preacher preached a vigorous sermon and a lady in the congregation praised him highly and suggested that he should publish his sermons. The preacher told her he was planning they be published posthumously. To which she replied, "Well good, the sooner the better."

Forgotten Sermon

A young man preaching for the first time stood before the people as the moments passed. At last, opening his mouth, slowly he began to speak,..."On the way here this morning,. only God and I knew what I was to share with you,...and now only God knows!                         

Sitting in the Back

If you believe that the Spirit moves the best on the back two pews... You might be a Baptist.

Commitment

The chicken and the pig were walking past the church one day and discussing the problems of world hunger. The chicken suggested that between her species and the pig's they could provide everyone in the world with a good breakfast of bacon and eggs every morning. The pig thought long and hard before replying, 'That's OK for you to say, because from you that's only a contribution - from me that's total commitment!'

Mark 17

One Sunday after the usual sermon, the pastor asked everyone in the congregation to prepare for next week's sermon. He said the subject would be lying and that everyone needed to read the 17th chapter in the book of Mark. Everyone uttered a sound of approval. Next week after the congregational singing the preacher said,"If you read Mark 17 please raise your hand." And everyone in the congregation did. Then the preacher said, "Now I am ready to start my sermon on lying" And he stated "There is no Mark 17!!"

The Peace and Love of God

After an exceptionally long and boring sermon the congregation filed out of the church not saying a word to the pastor. After a while a man shook the pastor's hand and said, "Pastor, that sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God!" The pastor was ecstatic. "No-one has ever said anything like that about one of my sermons before! Tell me, how did it remind you of the peace and love of God?" "Well", said the man, "it reminded me of the peace of God because it passed all human understanding and it reminded me of the love of God because it endured forever!"

Preacher Shaving

Before a pastor began to preach one Sunday morning he thought he should explain why he had a Bandaid on his chin. "As I was shaving this morning I was thinking about today's message when I lost my concentration and accidentally cut my chin with the razor." He then went on to preach the longest message of his life. After the service one of the teens greeted the pastor and said, "Pastor, next week why don't you think about your shaving and cut the sermon."